Why You Should Never, Ever, Under Any Circumstances, Get Your Wisdom Teeth Removed

Every childhood photo of you smiling is the same. All through elementary school, our faces were plastered with toothless grins, wonky smiles, and the occasional pair of buck teeth. Most kids have far from perfect smiles growing up, but it was ok because we were little and cute and could pull it off. Until middle school rolls around.

Suddenly your crooked pearly whites aren’t so cute anymore and before you know it you’re sitting in an orthodontist chair, paying to get barbed wire permanently glued into your mouth. If you’re lucky, you’ll be free of the torture device known as braces by 8th grade graduation. If you’re not, your mouth still might look like a jail yard during your SATs. Eventually, eventually, everyone gets their braces taken off. Finally, you start smiling with your new teeth in pictures, and begin life with a brand new grin to face it with. And that’s where it should end, right? In a perfect world, one with no war, poverty, or hunger, everyone’s sentence to oral pain should end after braces. We’ve done our time.

In a perfect world, one with no war, poverty, or hunger, everyone’s sentence to oral pain should end after braces. We’ve done our time.

But ladies and gents, as I learned this week that is sadly not the truth.

Katy Perry or stereotypical middle schools student?
Source: Peralta Orthodontists

As we’re currently at the lower end of the average age (17 to 25) to get our wisdom teeth out, there’s a solid chance you’ll hear these three words sometime before you graduate. Those three dreaded words. Wisdom. Tooth. Surgery. And I’m telling you from experience, it is not worth it. You’re goaded into it before hand, being told you’re going under for an hour and when you wake up you’ll be able to eat all the ice cream you want. After that, it’ll hurt for a couple days, maybe a week at most, but with plenty of ice and rest, your swelling will go down. LIES. This surgery is the furthest thing from easy, unless you happen to enjoy looking like a rabid chipmunk who can’t drink water without it dribbling all over you. Trust me. You have to have the pain tolerance of a rhinoceros to get through this thing unscathed.

You, after wisdom tooth removal
Source: topsimages

If you’re immune to pretty much every medication the way I am, it’ll take three trips back to the doctor to get the right pain meds that only slightly alleviate the power drill going through your jaw. And to top it all off, chances are you won’t get your shot at viral youtube fame with a stoned wake up video. Most people sleep through the last of the anaesthesia. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there are absolutely zero upsides to this medieval torture method. If anyone tries to come anywhere near your molars with a scalpel and pliers, run. Run far, far away.

Author: Christina McDougall

SAS senior Christina McDougall, aspiring to be the next Amy Poehler, spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "you're" vs "your" on social media, she also likes chicken nuggets, being half Australian, and getting into fights with 12 year olds on Twitter. She can be contacted at mcdougall44636@sas.edu.sg.

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