Author’s Note: My favorite series of articles on the internet is Drew Magary’s ‘The Hater’s Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog’, where he ridicules overpriced Christmas themed home products with a blend of wit, amusement, and cynicism. As I wait for the upcoming Christmas season (and the Magary’s newest Hater’s Guide), I have decided to try personifying his authentic, quirky style. This article, its title, and its format parallels the original hater’s guide on purpose, but is in no way an attempt to plagiarize his work and original ideas. Please do not take offence, as this was made for personal educational purposes, not for profit. I hope you enjoyed it!
Oh, dear! It’s the first guest. I can’t have them waiting outside!
Come in, come in! I was just writing a few verses on my monogrammed notepad while strumming my acoustic guitar. Oh, the autumn season – it puts me in such a mood!
Now, I’m sorry you missed last week’s pumpkin patch. It was perfectly autumnal: we strew hay over the front yard (USA imported, of course) and filled it with two dozen bright orange pumpkins. You probably saw the pictures on Facebook, yes? Oh, and don’t expect to see Martha here tonight. She DARED to bring pumpkins that she bought from the produce section at Fairprice.
Dear friend, are you cold? Have latte to warm you up! We have toffee nut, nutmeg cream, and walnut maple. Just this once I’ll let you use my ceramic acorn mug – I designed it personally.
Come, let’s take a turn about the room. Note the pine-wood aroma permeating the room – that’s the Scandinavian candle I bought last week. Let’s admire the dining table centerpiece I’ve so wonderfully arranged. The miniature pumpkins and squash, pine cones, and the genuine elk antlers: I spray painted them gold myself. Oooooh! I almost forgot to offer you some oakwood-roasted pumpkin seeds. Try them, they’re delightful!
Yes, I know. I’ve really outdone myself. But I must confess…I couldn’t have hosted this Thanksgiving party without the WILLIAMS-SONOMA CATALOG. I know. I’m a coward. It’s just that the catalog just made everything… so… easy… Hey, why don’t we flip through it together? At least until the others arrive…
ITEM #48-2041921 – FALL PIECRUST CUTTERS
Copy: “Set of six spring-loaded cutters includes turkey, pumpkin, acorn, maple leaf, double leaf, and oak leaf designs.” $19.95
Chloe says: This isn’t a WANT, but a NEED. My poor Nonna used to make double-leaf piecrust designs by hand until the year she developed carpal tunnel. Our pies haven’t been the same since. I can’t wait to hand these to Nonna, and put those lazy bones back to work! Also: it’s SPRING-LOADED.
ITEM #48-1036115 – WINE LEVER WINE OPENER
Copy: “Self-pulling opener works with all types and sizes of wine bottles” $99.95
Chloe says: Ah, yes, a catalog CLASSIC. The Porsche of corkscrews. You can get the chrome color, smooth design, and futility for $99.95. How could anyone be a proper host without the WINE LEVER? By the way, I am loving the rose gold accents on the button and handle – how subtle and inspiring!
ITEM #48-5631195 HARVEST PUMPKIN KITCHEN LINENS
Copy: “Machine-washable cotton. Made in Moldova” ENTIRE SET $97.80
Chloe says: In the months of September-November, it is physically impossible for me to step into the kitchen without sporting my HARVEST PUMPKIN apron and mitts. Oh, you don’t own any? How sad. Just look at the pretty little pumpkins with their swirly little vines! Ah, the design is so cute and so necessary. And, in keeping with fall-time propriety, on December 1, these linens are stashed in the closet to make way for my Christmas linens. Oh, you also don’t own Christmas linens? Sorry to admit this, but I’m embarrassed for you.
ITEM #48-3758711 WINE CHILLING WANDS
Copy: “Prechill wand, then place in a glass of wine to cool in minutes. Set includes two wands and two holders.” $39.95
Chloe says: Did you think the wine-serving innovation stopped at corkscrews? Wrong. I won’t drink any beverage if it hasn’t been cooled by a PRECHILLED WAND. You might ask: couldn’t you simply store any metal object in the freezer (like a fork,) pop it in your drink and achieve the same effect? Yes, but I wouldn’t want to. I need this shrunken-golf-club-lookin’ device swirling about in my glass to achieve absolute luxury.
ITEM #48-8675233 PLYMOUTH DINNER & SERVEWARE
Copy: “Server Set. Extra-large, Rectangular, and Oval Platters. 100% cotton linen. Made in Moldova.” Prices from $10.36-$123.96
Chloe says: *Tyler the Creator voice* So you just gonna serve me turkey on a turkey plate from an extra-large turkey platter on a turkey linen with a turkey on turkey day? *Smashes wine glass*
[By the way, I’m referencing this viral video]
ITEM #48-4646803 PUMPKIN BUTTERS
Copy: “Sweet blend of premium pumpkin butter with warming fall spices. 9.5-13.5oz” $12.95-$16.95
Chloe says: This is really what we’re doing now, huh? Calling a mashed up, sloppy mess of fruits and spices ‘butter’? How neat! I didn’t think pumpkin pie could be made worse than it already is, but then they went and threw the ingredients into a blender, bottled it up, and slapped a $12.95 price tag on it. I’m definitely buying a dozen for the pantry! These days, I could need a jar of pumpkin butter at any time. And if you catch me eating out of the bottle with a spoon, I can’t help it! It’s not ‘high-sugar’ and ‘really-bad-for-you’, Dad. It’s warming.
ITEM #48-7514454 PROGRESSIVE APPLE MACHINE
Copy says: “Peel, core and slice perfect apple ribbons. Legs fold for compact storage.” $29.95
Chloe says: This product literally saved my life. I was home alone, and a menacing dark figure appeared at my window. Alarmed, I raced towards it, but it vanished. Then, I heard a clanging noise from the kitchen. I reached the doorway, hesitated, and peered inside. It was Satan himself, his cape caught in the clutches of my brand new PROGRESSIVE APPLE MACHINE. He writhed and squealed. Finally breaking free, he fled my estate and never returned. So, overall I’d give it a 10/10.