By Janna Agustin and Sid Iyer-Sequeira
1. Start a YouTube channel.
One could have never predicted the unprecedented rise of the Y Generation – the YouTube Generation. We live in a virtual world where one lucky view on a video can catapult someone into celebrity status. So get on your laptop, purchase a $4,000 camera and shoot away. Never mind the fact that you may not actually have something interesting or unique to offer to a legion of 13-something year old girls, because no one listens to what you’re saying anyway.
2. Reinvent yourself.
Fans come and go faster than fake friends in the rain. Why? Celebrities get boring! We’ve already seen the try-hard boy bands, the song-belting divas, and the “good-girl-former-star-of-a-Disney-Channel-tv-show” image. Yeah, yeah, we get it. As a celebrity, you’re probably gonna lose all your fans soon if you don’t change it up drastically at least once a year. Nobody likes same-old, same-old.
3. Write a book.
What better way to kickstart your career than write a book. Or rather, if you’re a celebrity, get someone to ghostwrite your book. You might not actually have any passion or penchant for writing, let alone the talent, but penning a book can always help you on your road to success. Look at Kendall and Kylie Jenner, they single-handedly got someone else to garner them millions of dollars over their so called “fantasy novel.”
4. Make a song about butts.
Alas, what would 2014 be without butts? Whether you croon about how perfect everyone is – with the exception of those who don’t fit the criterion of “curvy,” or teach girls that the only way to vie for a man’s eye is to be born with a big behind. Don’t bother teaching girls that they are not objects of men’s affection or that every body type should be equally accepted – but rather, the opposite! Because as we know, that’s what sells.
5. Better yet, post a photo of your own butt!
What better way to gain attention than releasing multiple photos of your own big, bare, booty slathered in oil? Sure you could say that the reason for doing so is to #BreakTheInternet or some other completely random reason. But in reality, who wouldn’t want to get that much attention from posting a photo as scaaaandy as that?
6. Impersonate a bygone diva.
Originality?! What an archaic term! To be a celebrity in 2014 you need to “borrow” things from the past and completely 100% rip it off! Instead of creating your own style when wanting to reach the top of the celebrity A-list, it’d be much easier just to take an old, used persona. Whether it’s whistle notes or uncredited “samples” of songs – impersonation is salvation! Once again, don’t worry about originality – that stuff’s dead nowadays anyway.
7. Dress your baby sibling head to toe in designer clothes.
One of the only ways into someone’s heart is a baby dressed in expensive clothes. They may not even be able to speak in coherent sentences yet, but at least they’ll be cute and sparkly in their Gucci, Louis, Fendi, and Prada. Give Blue Ivy and North West some competition!
8. Appropriate every race.
What would the world be without some good ol’ racial appropriation. The world is already strife with racial injustices and profiling, so why not jump on the bandwagon? Represent other cultures in everything from your Halloween costume to your performance in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Use racial minorities as props – wear bindis in sexually provocative videos, whitewash every potential non-Caucasian in a movie and most importantly, rap in vocal blackface.
9. Start dating another A-list celebrity and let the world know. Then break up with them. Then get back together… then break up…again.
As we all know, it’s important to keep up with the need-to-know but probably very inaccurate, relationship drama we see in the tabloids every other day. That one girl from that movie who was seen at a bowling alley with that boy that everybody knows was so shady because he used to date her ex-boyfriend’s sister’s best friend. These things are bound to fill front pages and be the conversation topic of your friends, teachers, parents, grandparents, dogs!
10. Be a Kardashian. It helps.